New year, new mom jeans
On transformations, and discovering the new me
I have nothing to wear.
It's March 4, 2022. I'm standing in a T.J. Maxx fitting room staring down a mountain of jeans in an impossible range of sizes. Since I had my baby in December, I no longer have any concept of my own shape or size.
My 3-month-old is at home napping on his dad while I'm here, sweating through my button-down breastfeeding shirt, trying to buy a pair of non-sweatpants that actually fit me.
I text my best friend Ashley: “My mom bod does not look like this. Wish me luck.”
“No one’s mom bod looks like that. Not even the model. Photoshop is a thing,” she reminds me.
“And good luck.”
I hop-squeeze into “The Mom Jean” — it’s hideous. Lumpy and loose in the front, tight in the hips, baggy at the waist, droopy in the butt.
I try another pair. I can’t button it over my belly.
Then I shake loose a black pair, ripped at the knees and cropped at the ankle. It fits! And I feel…kind of OK-ish? Good, even?
I text Ashley again: “#coolmom”
What am I now? A "cool mom," a "stylish mom," a "frumpy mom" (god help me), a "yoga pants mom"? Something else? I probably would have bought jeans like this before I had a baby, but somehow everything feels different now. Like I’m dressing myself for the first time; like I’m 5 again, picking out clothes for Picture Day for the first time ever.
—
Like every new mom, my body has changed since giving birth. My hips are wider, my butt has flattened (😭), my boobs are enormous and come in a shape I’ve never seen before, and, of course, I have a little belly pouch that I refer to as my son’s first apartment. I wear it all with a mix of emotions — pride, frustration, grief, pride again.
But I have nothing to wear.
Nearly every item in my closet feels wrong somehow now. None of my jeans fit, my dresses look clownish, even my tights roll down over my belly. I bought those #coolmom jeans and I feel cute when I pair them with an oversized button-down, but otherwise — it’s a wrap. I had a full meltdown on Thanksgiving after trying on at least eight outfits and hating every one. Nothing fit!
So I’m starting this newsletter because I need to get to know this new person — the new mom-me.
I’m using a book called ‘Women in Clothes’ to guide me
There’s this incredible book called “Women in Clothes,” edited by Heidi Julavits, Sheila Heti, and Leanne Shapton, that’s moving me to understand my new body, my new style, my new self. I think of it a bit like a community cookbook — it’s a repository of stories, pictures, illustrations, and other ephemera from over 600 women who answered a survey or spoke to the editors about their clothes (and everything clothing means). It came out nearly a decade ago, in 2014, but it’s still as meaningful to me now as it was back then.
The authors developed a survey that shifted and grew over time to help prompt women in their thinking. They asked questions like, “What are you wearing on your body and face, and how is your hair done, right at this moment?”, “What would be a difficult or uncomfortable look for you to try and achieve?”, and “In what way is this stuff important, if at all?”.
There are over 80 questions in total; my goal is to start answering them in this weekly newsletter and see how far I get. The main question at the core of all this: How do I present myself to the world, now that my world has completely changed?
Along the way I’ll be digging up old photos, old memories, old friends, hopefully doing a little shopping (or shopping my closet), and getting to know myself again.
Join me?