I need new pants
On compulsively shopping for the 'new me'
Immediately after getting laid off last month, one thought started loudly repeating in my mind: “I need new pants.” I was convinced I had to be “job-interview ready” on a dime, as if a new employer were just there, in the wings, waiting for me to become available to work.
This thought is stupid for many reasons. I’m no longer earning any money, for one thing, and I’m now home all day with my kid for another. I do not need “job-interview pants” to play trucks on the floor or whisk pancake batter with a baby on my hip.
But I couldn’t shake it. I thought about shopping almost all the time: Could I take the baby? Could I duck out during nap time? Could I go merrily into the night (to the mall) after putting my son to bed? I ended up doing all those things in the first seven days after losing my job.
All told, I spent about $200 on new clothes, most of which are completely impractical for my new life as a stay-at-home-job-seeking-mother. When the spell had finally broken and my closet had been replenished, I looked at myself and went, “What the fuck, bro?” Impulsive spending (especially in lean times) is not my thing — so what had happened to me?
The best I can tell, my brief wave of shopping mania was all about embracing the “new me.” I’ve felt the drive for big change since at least last fall but haven’t been able to move the needle for myself, and getting laid off was a tipping point. A shove, however unceremonious, into the next season of my life — the one I’ve been grasping for. And the first step, the one I could actually reach while in professional free fall, was buying new pants. And a dress. And a shirt. And a really cute cropped winter jacket that I’d never wear to an interview but whatever. Don’t judge me.
I remember watching my ex-boyfriend experience much the same mania after we broke up years ago. We’d been living together (briefly, badly) and when I finally ended it he went directly to a dentist and got a bad tooth pulled that I’d been asking him to deal with for months. It was like I’d shoved him out the window into the next season of his life and the first step he could reach was getting his smile fixed — I imagine he, too, was reaching for his “new me.”
Now that I’ve exited my shopaholic fugue state I’m thinking a lot about what comes next, both personally and professionally. My family is in the midst of a huge transition — my new job could be in-office or more demanding than my old one, and my husband, who’s been a stay-at-home dad for two years, is heading back to work, too, which means our little sonshine is off to childcare (and constant sickness, as I’ve been told) for the first time.
I’m thinking about what this all means for my style — I need to look polished at whatever job I’m going to be doing, since I’ll be the new gal, but I also need to dress appropriately for the situation. So the shopping? It needs to take a pause, since who knows what the future holds? While I’m certain I’d like the “new me” to have a good, meaningful job where she has to wear nice pants, I might be a stay-at-home mom freelancing during nap time for a while. So I need to save my pennies.
The irony of it all is I actually did have an in-person job interview last week and I wore a sweater, black jeans, and long necklace I’ve had for years. I guess, for now at least, the new me is just the old me with a little makeup on.